


Escaping my pain

by Ducklingxkitten



Series: My light in the dark [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Original Character(s), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 22:57:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12757851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ducklingxkitten/pseuds/Ducklingxkitten
Summary: Dropping a bad habit isn't easy. Keeping it secret is harder.





	Escaping my pain

_Cut. Cut. Cut._

His hands were shaking uncontrollably, hesitant to actually do it. It wouldn’t be the first time, but what was making him so hesitant was how far he would go. His mother’s words hadn’t left him since that afternoon they’ve spent shopping together. The pain they had left in his heart was still fresh even though weeks had passed since then. How could he forget them anyway? If only he wasn’t like that. If only he had grown up as the daughter his mother had always wanted. If only he was born normal. None of that would have happened. He wouldn’t have to cry himself to sleep every night. He wouldn’t have to pretend everything was fine when deep inside he was a mess, someone who needed help. He wouldn’t have to smile to his parents and accept every single one of his mother’s harsh comments without talking back. 

_Cut. Just cut._

Adrian had to keep his hair long, wear more skirts and dresses when the weather was allowing him, and put makeup on. Just because his mother wanted to see her beautiful daughter again and not someone who looked like the ‘perfect stereotype of a lesbian’. If only she knew that the way he wanted to look was absolutely not linked to his sexual orientation. But would she understand? Would _they_? No. Of course not. Adrian had to keep secret who he truly was. For how long he would be able to do it, he didn’t know. It was becoming harder and harder every day. 

_Deeper. Deeper. Deeper._

The last few days had been a real hell for him. Not only at home, in high school too. Taking classes had become harder and harder. Oh, Adrian was a good student, but it wasn’t easy to pay attention to what a teacher was saying when the only thing he had in mind was to disappear. He already fell out of place before – because of his odd likings as some of his classmates would say – but now with his secret, the feeling was worse. If he would just disappear, no one would notice the empty seat in class. No one would notice he was gone, because no one was paying attention to his many silent calls for help. 

_One more. Just one more._

Teenagers were awful to one another at this age. Adrian had had to pay the price for their actions. Hearing his friends lower their voices whenever he was in sight was something Adrian was used to. Being ignored too. Their own behaviour driving him paranoid was something new. Telling him with no reason after days of complete silence he was just a piece of trash with a pathetic life was the last straw. He had put their trust in them, believed every one of their words of affection. How wrong he had been to trust people again. 

_One more._

His pillow was wet with all the tears he had been shedding. His right forearm was burning and hurting him. The lights were off in his room, but he knew it wasn’t only lymph he could feel dripping from his wounds. He would have to throw the mattress cover away or hope his mother would believe him and his nose bleed excuse. He couldn’t just tell her he had harmed himself, she wouldn’t understand, or rather she would ask him once again what she had done wrong. Adrian couldn’t tell her, nor his father. 

_One… more._

He could hear the TV from the living-room. They were watching one of these old comedies they were fond of, without knowing what was happening in his room. Adrian had excused himself after dinner, telling them he still had a few exercises to finish, and had reassured his father that he was only tired when he’d come in his bedroom to check on him, bringing him at the same time a cup of hot chocolate and a bag of marshmallow they ate together. When he left him alone almost an hour after, an hour during which they had talked about this and that, Adrian had let his tears run down his cheeks and screamed in his pillow when it had been too painful to keep everything, hoping they wouldn’t hear him. 

_It’s going to be alright. You’ll be fine._

He tried to reassure himself and believe his own words. Would he really? Or would tomorrow be worse than today? Adrian was tired, so tired. Tired of being hurt by people he loved. Tired of pretending he was someone he hated only to please his parents. Tired of smiling when he just wanted to scream and cry. He was living a nightmare, and no matter how hard he was trying, he couldn’t wake up. He didn’t know for how more days he would be able to bear all of that pain and deception. It was already too much. 

Adrian fell asleep, exhausted by his tears and the violence he used to harm himself, scared of what kind of day tomorrow would be. He already knew he would have to fake his many smiles and happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> Since some shitty things happened lately, I needed to unwind and this happened.
> 
> A new character will be introduced the next time I'll update this series! ;)


End file.
